Talking to Friends about Vaping, Drugs, and Alcohol

Advice from Teens for Tomorrow members on what to do if a friend tells you they are using substances

Q: How do you respond if a friend shares that they’re using substances? 
Answers: 
“Be compassionate and nonjudgmental.” 
“Natural conversation pace.”
“Be a good listener.”
“Don’t be too intrusive, just enough.”
“Encourage”
“I think it’s good to hear their full story before talking, and take their feelings into consideration.”
“Increase self-esteem”
“Make sure they are safe”
“Help them realize they may need help.”
“Know resources that you can recommend”
Say, “I want to be there for you.”

Q: What are some qualities you'd look for in a friend if you wanted to share something sensitive? (These are ways you can show up for your friend.)
Answers:
“Good listener”
“Trustworthy and non-judgemental”
“Makes me feel safe and comforted”
“Loyalty, privacy/confidentiality, trust, empathy”
“Able to keep privacy, listens to me, and doesn’t change the subject onto them”

Q: Instead of (this), try (that)
Answers: 
 - Instead of questioning or interrogating them, try to let them set the pace and tone of the conversation. 
 - Instead of blaming them, or saying “it’s your own fault,” try to be understanding and put yourself in their shoes.
 - Instead of saying things like “everything will be okay,” try to validate their experience (for example, you can say something like “that sounds really tough”).
 - Instead of comparing yourself to them, or comparing problems, try to let them share their experiences without judgment.
 - Instead of joking about past trauma, try to let them set the tone for any humor.
 - Instead of making it about yourself and how you feel, try to let the focus stay on them.
 - Instead of pushing for more info or sensitive details, try to move on if they seem uncomfortable or like they don’t want to share. 
 - Instead of saying things like “brush it off,” or “suck it up,” try asking how they’re feeling and if they know their next steps.
 - Instead of gossiping or sharing things to other people that they’ve told you in confidence, respect their privacy - but share with an adult if you need to.

Q: What are some specific things you can say and do?
Answers: 
Ask them how they’re doing. 
Let them know that quitting is a good decision to make. 
“I am glad you told me this and thank you for telling me.”
Support and check up from time to time.
Ask what would be best for them.
Talk in a safe and quiet place.
“I care for you/ I love you.”
“I’m really sorry that’s happening.”
LEt them know you’re not judging them, but caring for them.
Provide alternatives, something to do
“I know it’s a hard decision to make, and I am happy you’ve decided to stop.”
Share things you admire about them. 
Ask how you can help. 
Give resources and recommend what to do next. 


When and How to share with an adult:
“If they talk about hurting themselves or other people, it gets out of your reach.”

When to share: 

• If anyone is at risk of hurting themselves or others
• If anyone has been abused or neglected
• If anyone is at risk of being abused or neglected

How to share: 

• Encourage them to go to an adult themselves; for example, “I think that you should talk with someone more experienced.”
• Offer to go with them for support
• Try to choose an adult your friend would feel safe with

Setting boundaries:
Boundaries are your own personal ground rules that keep you safe and healthy.

1. Check in with yourself about your needs: what do you need in order to stay mentally and physically healthy?
2. Decide on what your personal rules (aka boundaries) are that will help you make sure your needs are met. 
3. Your friends can’t respect your boundaries until they know what they are, so let your friends know!
4. Check in with yourself again often to make sure your boundaries are still in place and still helping you in the ways that you need.

Some examples of boundaries:

• “I keep my phone on ‘do not disturb’ at night, so if you need support after bedtime, make sure to reach out to [xyz].”
• “I’m comfortable talking about almost anything except for [topic] and [topic]. If you need to talk about those things, that's okay, but I’m just not the right person to help.”
• “I’m happy to talk as long as I’m not the only person who knows. I’m not comfortable being anyone’s only source of support.”

Things to remember

• It’s important to take care of yourself before and after supporting others.
• Don’t beat yourself up over not being able to give advice - it’s okay to not know the answers.
• They came to you for a reason, they trust you. Be yourself.
• It’s okay to not know what to say. No one is alone in their communication struggles - whether you’re reaching out for help, or if youre the one helping. 
• It’s okay if you’re not in the right headspace to support someone else. You have your own life too. Be honest with them if you’re not in a place where you can support them, and suggest other supports for them (like TeenTalk - see resource at the end). 
• Take breaks and make sure you have mental health days. 
• If you start feeling burdened or stressed about supporting your friend, that’s a sign you may need to set some boundaries.

For more resources and information, check out our resources page or head over to the Clark County Teen Talk website. 

The content for this blog post was written by the 2023-2024 members of Teens for Tomorrow. If you or a friend are in a serious situation and you don't know what to do, we encourage you to talk to a trusted adult. You can also text or call 988 at any time to be connected to a trained counselor who can help you with substance use concerns, mental health crises, or any kind of emotional distress. To learn more about the 988 Lifeline, check out their website here.